I used to think I was born into self-doubt, but I’ve learned that I was taught it. Taught to view myself as inherently unworthy, undeserving of love, success, basic care, and generosity. When confronted with that doubt I often make a joke of it so that everyone is laughing instead of looking at someone who is deeply insecure.
Over the past year, I’ve garnered some recognition and success in my field that I could only dream of years ago. Much of that is due to my sobriety and living a life not dependent on substances that deliver a temporary “feel good” response. More of it was due to exploring where my self-doubt comes from, what feeds it, and why it doesn’t serve me to feed it.
My self-doubt is a voice that is a combination of my own and those that have abused me. Its primary goal is to back me out of a place of assurance and safety and wield me over the ledge of danger. She says:
of course, you didn’t win that prize, you’re so arrogant and stupid.
why would she want you, you’re fat and disgusting
this has been written before, no one cares about your perspective or words, why move, why breathe, why go outside.
in a conversation with one of my therapist, she asked me how it would feel to be rid of this voice that plagues almost every waking moment. I answered with honesty that when I tried to envision that life, all I saw was black. We came to the word “lonely.” This voice, no matter how cruel, has become a constant companion of mine, one that is there without fail while others come and go. You might find that this is true for you as well and it is a painful truth to face. How could anyone miss being hurt? When your loneliness becomes a friend or even a lover it is easy to be so tied to a cruel thing. My self-doubt comes from my lonesome being the only thing I’ve been able to trust in my life. Friends leave and die, lovers lie to you, family disowns you, what’s left is the space they vacated, so willingly filled by melancholy.
Recently when I was confronted with an opportunity I’ve been dying to have, my immediate reaction wasn’t “how did this happen?” but “this is happening at its right time.” Right now I have four jobs and I work hard at each of them. Right now I am booking readings as my manager, promoter, and publicist, as well as hosting workshops to share my knowledge with people young and old. Without veering into arrogance or an inflated sense of self, I know that the things I’ve learned can help other people who have struggled in similar ways that I have. People who are writers and authors that are trying to connect through our shared passion for poetry. I’m so excited to sit in a room with these folks and share what we already know and what we are willing to learn.
I cannot make a sole companion of my loneliness if there are other, kinder companions in my life. If I value my friendships and only spend time with those people that I have a symbiotic relationship with, malice becomes less appealing. If you chart the path of your doubt, you can attack it at the source, which will open up your life to occurrences you are afraid you deserve.
When the details of these events are finally released, I’ll post them up on my event page. I hope to see you and those you love there.